Postpartum depression

I'm writing from a mac today (that's not mine) and it feels akward. I've presented my research project today, at last. I thought I'd feel happy. At first I felt satisfied. But that quicky turned to ashes. How can you feel happy when almost noone can feel happy with you? When you know that your lax summer will be their trip in hell? And let them be. But how can you feel happy about those other ones who were with you but one step forward and are leaving for the big bad world? where they may as well easily leave all the things you've believed together? Truth is, even though I was shouting all those things about wanting to end this, leave etc. I'm fucking afraid. And now that I've delivered the first baby, I'm suffering from post partum depression.



I don't know what country you're from, it's nearly impossible to not have noticed the shutdown of the Greek public tv (ert), the one I was mentionning in my last post. Here in Patras things are calmer. The station can broadcast locally and we haven't yet seen policemen around. There are times when I want to be in Athens, in the middle of everything that's happening. But I would probably never have the chace to leisurly chat with people I just met that I had here. And therefrom, a new project is born. It's not ending any other. But I have found the urge to photograph again.




...when you at least expect it.

It's been busy lately. I'm writing my thesis, due in 14 days, they are closing the public television and everything is up and coming. We're all in a panicky state lately. But, in the middle of all this (which is my first preocupation from the moment it's started) I found something that had gone missing a long time ago: my inspiration. What we're living now will be a big historical event in some years and my urge for photography has come once again.

And today, after a very long time, I shot a picture that I liked. It's neither important nor serious. But it's fine for a new start.



Once upon a time (not far back, really) I thought that I wanted to fall in love. And that was my greatest trouble. What a kid I was. It's been more than a year since that, and really, what does falling in love means? You do, and then what? do you live happily ever after? Or are you in a continuous suffering? Nobody ever tells you that. Even fairytales end in weddings. And is happiness something you wait for Minerva to send you? Or do you have to fight for it?
I was a big idealist at some point. I thought that all my troubles would go away if I fell in love. But recently, I understood that it's not about love. It's about happiness. You can be happy even if your heart doesn't skip a beat every time you see the other person. If it weren't like that we'd need to change partners for forever. And who do you need in your life to be happy? Are friends enough? Are they even more than enough?
They say that you can't appreciate something unless you lose it. It's true. And they even say that there's not only one answer to a question. That's also true. But, concerning some things, you have to be sure to give an answer. So I'll wait. Final station: Happiness.


Confessions of a dancefloor in Patras (with blood sweat and tears optional)

Sometimes I can't understand myself, really. But what I can understand the least are some others. The thing that I like less in this world, I think, is uncertainty. I know it's inevitable. But I hate it the most in cases where it could be otherwise. I hate not knowing how to react when I see things I'd rather not. It's the natural course of things, I know. But the uncertainty drives me nuts. And I don't want to react passively to it again. Not drinking myself to despair. Someone wise would ask me "why still?why are you still upset over him?". I'm not sure myself but I mostly blame it on uncertainty. Another thing I hate in this world is separating with someone and losing them completely. Because it's absurd to think that, from one day to another the feeling of love (I emphasize, love, not passion) is lost. But I've come to accept that. If I can no longer be part of your life, than so be it. I've come to the altruist state to be able to say "I just want you to be happy, either I'm in your life or not" and mean it. But it's not even like this. I know nothing, I'm sure of nothing. If we have to separate places and say that we're going to exchange a rational hello on the few times we're together, then so be it. If we can have a normal (and that's a big word) relationship where we can talk from time to time and be able to meet each other on the road with that someone new and be able to say hello like decent human beings, then so be it. I just hate in betweens. And I'd love to resolve that before I leave this town for good, because otherwise it'll just be "Go to hell, I won't ever see you again and I'm happy for that".